I started a blog.
And then I linked to a bunch of other blogs in a post relating to a still-ongoing issue.
This scares me a little, because I feel like I might be drawing attention to myself and I still feel like I’m not entitled to such attention, and I feel like I did that maybe a little too soon for how empty this blog is, but I suppose you have to start somewhere, right?
I’m panicking a bit. I’ve been withdrawn from the world for a long time now, and I keep thinking that I’m ready to “get back out there,” but the possibility that I may have just stepped “out there” so suddenly is terrifying to me. I’m second-guessing myself. And now I’m rambling.
But this is exactly why I started a blog – to give myself a place to do this, to go through this process, that isn’t directly tied to my name and my face and won’t draw the immediate attention of people I’m not sure I want in or out of my life. It’s all such a mess right now, and I’m not sure of anything.
All I know is I have this intense feeling that I am meant to use my experiences for something. I know from reading what other people have shared that finding stories that match your own, even when rambly and emotionally charged and poorly written, can be incredibly healing and can make you feel less alone at times when you feel so alone that it feels like it might kill you. I want to “pay it forward,” to put my experiences out there and help other people feel less alone too, but I still feel like a such a mess. I have a hard time really believing I could actually be helpful somehow.
I guess this is just a warning: this blog is still very new and basically empty, I’m kind of a mess, and everything terrifies me at this point.
But I’ll include a promise: there will be much more to come, I will get better (as will the writing), and as frightened as I am, whoever you are reading this (if anyone reads this), I’m thrilled to have you here.